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Half an hour later and I was safe.I had to shower. There was no way I could go to bed in my present state. Once physically clean, I curled up in the safety of my bed, and began to cry. Everything I had done since Scott's death came flooding back, culminating in what happened. What I had become was not what he would have liked. He would not have liked me to wear widow's-weeds and remain celibate, but I knew he would frown on what I had been doing.Sue heard me crying and came into my room. "A bad night?"I nodded, "the worst imaginable."She got into bed with me, and held my trembling body, my head resting on her shoulder. That was how we stayed until I had cried myself to sleep.For the next two weeks, I was not at home to anyone that called. I stayed in my room, attempting to sort out my life. I needed a job, something that would get me out of the house, and give me less time to think of how I had stuffed things.Quite by accident, Paul met a chap by the name of Steve during one of his. The work I've been doing with teen girlshas taught me one thing: when you've never had a positive relationshipwith a father figure, or any male for that matter, it's really hard todevelop any kind of healthy connection with men as you mature. But youstill want a life partner to love and be loved by! I honestly believethat explains many if not most of the lesbian relationships out therenowadays. Sorry if that offends anyone!Julia didn't have a bad father, though he could be a bit distant andself-absorbed. Rather I think it goes back to the teasing and bullying inschool, and a string of failed relationships (beginning with me!) thatput her off men.I do wish Julia and I were able to be closer as girlfriends. But I knowshe doesn't agree with how I'm living my life as a woman and what mypriorities are. She's even accused me of reinforcing 'binary'stereotypes, because of my 'subservient' role in my marriage and the wayI choose to present myself to others (i.e. my feminine mannerisms.
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